Nothing Like Thugs Setting Up A Fellow Thug
by Kuroaki
Summary: In which Yumichika, Ikkaku, Renji, Hisagi and Iba discuss Kira's love life amongst other things. Oneshot.


It was a nice, hot, average summer day in the Seireitei.

Except for one thing.

Abarai Renji frowned as he spotted two familiar faces huddled together whispering in the vicinity of the third division.

"….the hell's wrong with you?"

Madarame Ikkaku let out a scream that could rival that of his fukutaichou. "Don't sneak up on us like that, you prick!"

Ayasekawa Yumichika just gasped and panted, clutching his hand to his chest. "Really, Abarai. That could have made me react unbeautifully."

Renji crossed his arms. "The heck are you doing around the third division at this time of the day? What, nothing to do at the eleventh?"

Yumichika tsked. "This is something important, so if you're not going to offer us assistance, _Abarai-fukutaichou, _you can buzz off."

Renji shook a fist at the third and fifth seat. Older they may be, but he was higher ranked! "Why you-"

Immediately Ikkaku clapped a hand over the open mouth. "Shaddap, you loudmouth! You're gonna attract attention to us!"

"Mmmpf mmmpf mmmphhh mmmph!"

Yumichika shrugged, that could very well have been "as if you weren't attracting attention by yourself!" or "bite my ass!" or "you're paying for the next round of sake!" but what the hell, he was already there. Could be useful.

"Nee, Abarai-fukutaichou," he asked with a sparkly grin to the red-head being restrained by Ikkaku, "you're awfully close to Kira-kun, aren't you?"

_xxxxxxxxx_

"No way. No friggin' way."

"Why, why not, Abarai-fukutaichou?" Yumichika frowned and pouted (beautifully). "It's just the thing he needs. You know, with Ichimaru-taichou and all. He needs a distraction."

"Yeah, Abarai," Ikkaku cut in, "don't tell me you don't mind seeing him walking around like someone's permanently pooped in his pants. Be a friend and help 'im. Be a _man._"

Renji's brow (the real ones) were beginning to twitch. That coming from a _man_ who had a luck-luck dance?

"Besides," Yumichika cut back sparklingly, "it'll be a lot of fun!"

He had him there, Renji had to admit. It would be.

"Ah, what the hell," Kuchiki-taichou would probably sentence him to at least a few years of paperwork and maybe even scrubbing the washrooms of the Kuchiki mansion, but hey, you die only once, "let's do it."

"Okay!" Yumichika grinned at him. "All the best!"

"Wh- what? What the hell am I supposed to do?"

"Why, tell him of course!"

"Tell him _what? _And why _me_?"

"'Of course you, aren't ya his best buddy or somethin'?"

"Hell no I'm not!"

"But you trained together during your academy days, and you were in the same class. That's got to count for something."

"Well, yeah, we're pretty close but …hell no!"

Yumichika and Ikkaku gave him a Look.

Renji knew he would probably regret it. Hell, he had probably already started regretting it the moment he agreed to this crazy idea of theirs.

"…fine. But we have to plan it first."

"Whaddaya mean?"

"Hell, you expect me to stroll up to Kira and say 'Yo, my man, I think it's high time you got yourself a girl and by the way, those two idiots in the eleventh think the same way too' and expect him to just grin at me and agree?"

The discrepancy in the plan was so obvious that both Ikkaku and Yumichika missed the insult. "…true."

"So!" Yumichika grinned sparklingly again. "We'll just choose the girl for him and set them up! Kira-kun can't disagree after all the trouble his friends have gone to, eh?"

Renji was tempted to think that Kira might be humiliated beyond belief, and a real friend should and would probably protect him from such an onslaught. But on the other hand…

"So, who shall we set him up with?"

_xxxxxxxx_

"You know, I think he's always had a bit of a crush on Hinamori," Renji confided.

"But," Yumichika frowned, "she's a bit too young for him, don't you think?"

Next to him, Hisagi who was chugging sake grunted agreement.

"I think it's okay," Iba spoke up, "age is nothing when it comes to love. And besides, as long as he's older who cares?"

"Yeah, 'snot as if we're matching him up with fukutaichou or anything."

Yumichika choked on his sake. "That's an utterly disgusting mental image you've burned into my beautiful mind, Ikkaku-kun."

They were drinking in the ninth division as usual, without Kira (also as usual, of late) who had turned down the invitation politely, citing fatigue as an excuse; at the same time unknowingly encouraging the conspiracy against him that was expanding.

"But you know," Iba picked up where he left off, "I think she's got a bit offa childhood crush on her ex-taichou, ya know. You could see it the way she worships the ground he walks on." The lieutenants in the room nodded agreement.

"But he's old news, now," Yumichika waved an airy hand dismissively. "If you ask me, that's not of any importance. In case any of you dolts haven't noticed, Hinamori-kun has someone who's viciously protective of her. I think that's a more pressing issue."

The room fell silent.

"Hitsugaya-taichou," Hisagi said gravely.

The room nodded.

"Is it worth it, then?"

Five minds envisioned the wrath of a little white-haired captain unleashing the permanent fury of ice dragons on each other.

"Nope."

"Oii," Renji was not about to give up, "I've seen how he blushes around her. And the time he sparred with Hinamori, he was really messed about it. I think we should give it a go."

The room fell to deep thought.

"Well sure, you could, but," Iba chugged more sake, "remember, she's probably even more screwed up over the whole mess. She had a huge crush on that captain of hers. I don't think it'd be wise to shove Kira as a love interest into her face."

"Yeah, we don't wanna be responsible for entrenched trauma."

"Imagine what Unohana-taichou would do to us."

They shivered, and moved on.

_xxxxx_

After half an hour, two sake bottles and Renji clutching his head yelling "We're not getting anywhere!" Yumichika finally grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled down all the names of the females (well, the ones they knew anyway) in the Seireitei using one of Shuuhei's best brushes; he was too drunk to notice.

"Let's do this by elimination," he announced to whole group, and everyone nodded in agreement.

Five heads pored over the sheet of paper.

"…Unohana-taichou's out."

"Yeah, it'd be like setting him up with our _mom_."

"Fukutaichou's out too."

"Yeah, she's too young."

"Not to mention Zaraki-taichou will kill Kira."

"Hinamori?"

"Out," four resolute voices stated, and Renji shrugged.

"Who else?"

"Matsumoto-fukutaichou," two voices stated in unison.

Hisagi and Iba glared at each other; the other three stared.

"Don't tell me…" Renji pointed a finger at both of them, "you two have a crush on Matsumoto-fukutaichou?"

Hisagi coloured visibly; although it could have just been the alcohol; and Iba glared at Renji from behind his shades.

"Stuff it."

"Matsumoto-san seems to be rather affectionate towards Kira, you know," Yumichika commented.

"Does not." Hisagi and Iba glared at each other again.

Yumichika sighed. "Fine, fine. We still have a good list to work with. Oh, but Soi Fong-taichou's out too."

"Heee, why?"

"I overheard her telling Matsumoto-san during the ladies' meeting that she was making chocolates for Yoruichi-sama for Valentine's Day."

A silence. "…she's…"

"Apparently."

"But," Renji folded his arms, "she'll be disappointed. Isn't Yoruichi-san with the ex-captain of the twelfth division?"

"Yeah, they ran away together, they probably eloped on the way. Or are planning to."

"….what the hell were you doing at the ladies' meet?"

"That's not important, Ikkaku-kun. So who else goes?"

"Kuchiki Rukia."

Three pairs of eyes and a pair of shades stared at Renji. "What?" He began to flush as looks of comprehension started to dawn on all four faces. "She's my taichou's little sister for goodness' sake! Ya think Taichou'll let me live if I let you guys mess around with her?"

Yumichika sighed. "Renji, Renji. Honestly, you don't think you can fool us with that?"

"She's Taichou's sister!"

"And your childhood friend since you were what, in diapers?"

"Renji, Renji, why didn't you tell us? We could have helped you out sooner."

"What the hell- she's not my – help me with – it's not like that!"

"Oh?" Yumichika raised one eyebrow (or feather, if you'd prefer.). "So you wouldn't mind if we got Kira to ask her out?"

"Hell no I wouldn't! Hey! No! I mean – Goddammit, give me a friggin' break!"

"So is that a yes or a no?"

"A No! I don't give a damn! But if Kuchiki-taichou asks, you can explain to him all by himself. I'm not helping you out." Renji folded his arms, his face slowly turning a shade to match his hair.

Yumichika elaborately crossed out her name. "How could we ever set one of us up with someone one of us already like?"

"_I do not like her!"_

Ignoring him, four heads pored over the sheet of paper once again.

"That's it?"

"Kotetsu-fukutaichou, her sister, Ise-fukutaichou and Kurotsuchi-fukutaichou. That's kind of …well, not exactly spoiled for choice here are we?"

"I think we have to cross Nemu out."

"Aw, we do?"

"Can you imagine what Kurotsuchi-taichou would do to us?"

An involuntary shudder.

"You're right. Pity though. She's a looker."

"Take Kotetsu out, she's noisy."

"Which?"

"The younger one, stupid."

They stared at the two names glaring back at them.

"Not Ise-fukutaichou."

"Yeah, Kyouraku-taichou might kill us."

"She'll never agree anyway."

"Yeah, not exactly the romantic type now, is she?"

"I don't think so, though," Hisagi interrupted. "You should see her during the time Kuchiki-taichou stepped in for you at the lieutenants' meeting."

"Yeah," Iba agreed. "Blushing all over the place. Your taichou's something."

"Don't you think I don't know it. But that leaves us with only Kotetsu-fukutaichou."

Five heads bent in thought.

"…..not bad."

"Yeah, she's sweet, kinda not bad looking…"

"Gentle, just the right sort for Kira-kun…"

A slight cough.

Four heads turned to look at one Hisagi Shuuhei. "What?"

"…I don't mean to brag, but…."

"….but what?"

"She asked me out."

The room groaned. "Why is it always you?"

"Yeah, leave us some, won't ya?"

"It's not my fault!"

"…so what do we do now?"

Yumichika stared sadly at the piece of paper that lay forlornly before them. Then he brightened up. "If there aren't any girls, what not we set him up with-"

"Oh _no._"

"But Abarai-fukutaichou, you two were _so close _in your academy days-"

"I said no goddammit! And what the hell makes you think I'm gay anyway?"

As Yumichika, Iba and Renji argued over the latter's sexual orientation, Ikkaku leaned over to Shuuhei.

"….so you say yes?"

"…yeah."

"…cool."


End file.
